Man Rules

February 17, 2009

Thoughts

rulesWe always hear “The Rules” from the female side but are our rules. Add these to the lists you have already have.

  • MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
  • LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU’RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT’S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON’T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
  • SUNDAY SPORTS: IT’S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES. LET IT BE.
  • SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT. AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.
  • CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
  • ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT!
  • YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
  • COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT’S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
  • ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
  • IF YOU THINK YOU’RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON’T ASK US.
  • IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
  • YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING… OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
  • IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
  • WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
  • CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.
  • ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS…LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
  • IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED. WE DO THAT.
  • IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY “NOTHING,” WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING’S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
  • IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON’T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR.
  • WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE… REALLY.
  • DON’T ASK US WHAT WE’RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FLY FISHING OR SPORTS IN GENERAL.
  • YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
  • YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
  • I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
  • IF WE EVER HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH WE REALLY DON’T MIND, IT IS LIKE CAMPING.

One Response to “Man Rules”

  1. Mike Aydelotte Says:

    I am just relieved that it appears other men are having the same issues I am. If my wife reads this comment, I am dead meat!

    Reply

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